The Cancer that Stole Christmas
This is a grim post I am afraid but I am not sorry as I just need to get these feeling out there as they are destroying me inside. I am hoping that writing them down and sharing them may release some of the pain I am feeling this Christmas.
Last Christmas I was so ill with pain and didnt realise that my cancer was back and it had spread. My mum was poorly just being diagnosed with COPD and I was busy looking after her trying to ignore my own pain thinking I had a hernia or something but it didnt get better. So after Christmas whilst getting another suspicious lump checked out they found the cancer had spread to my lungs, liver and bones.
Now the cancer is secondary and this is more serious I no longer have to worry about if the cancer will return but instead I started to worry about time as in how much did I have.
Earlier in the year I shared what it was like living with terminal cancer and I guess this is just another stage of that. Some friends are still not understanding that I have a life limiting disease, I could have years but the average is 1 to 3 and I have already had 1 of those years. So now it feels like a ticking time bomb, which I just dont want to explode.
I have lost so many friends this year through this horrible disease and one minute these ladies are laughing and joking a few days later we hear the devastating news they have gained their angel wings.
I wanted Christmas to be extra special in case it was my last but no one else felt it was any different and why should they.
It is now only me and my mum at Christmas time but I felt like she didnt even want to celebrate it. We normally make a big thing about putting the decorations up by having a few glasses of bubbly at the same time but this year it didnt happen in fact we have only half decorated the tree its like we could not be bothered.
It is the same with gifts I wanted something special not expensive but something to mean something but it is really hard to decide what you would like when material things dont matter any more. If I want something I go and buy it myself as I cant hang around waiting for it in case I dont have long left.
I had treatment on Christmas eve and normally Christmas eve afternoon is when we get home, close the door put on our PJs and start enjoying Christmas but I couldn’t even do that as I had to sit on the chemo ward for 3 hours. I cried, I wept all the way to the hospital, I cried during the treatment when I was sat there having some drugs pumped into me but I finally stopped when I got home.
I was feeling sorry for myself and now I can understand why levels of suicide increase at this time of the year as it is bloody hard. I am not suicidal but I am lonely, I am angry that my life is now ruled by this shit. It is weird I dont want to be miserable I keep wanting to stay positive. I wanted to make memories but I just cant get into the festive spirit.
I know I am not the only one feeling like this and maybe that is another reason I wanted to write this article to show others they are not alone. I have tried opening up to friends and I cant so this is the next thing I can do.
I want to escape to a winter wonderland somewhere totally different to how I normally spend Christmas. If I am lucky enough to be able to celebrate Christmas next year that is my aim. I will not be at home I will be somewhere new experiencing Christmas differently to try and get the festive spirit back.